10 December 2009

TMI Thursday: Boxes Break...when you don't want them to

WARNING:  The following blog post contains material not suitable for small children, persons with heart conditions, women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant (wait...Kaydee...you can read this).  For people with sensitivities to stories of Poo, please move along.  Trolls will be persecuted with extreme pleasure (mine not yours).

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Special thanks to Lilu over at Live it, LOVE it for coming up with TMIT, these stories would be uncategorized with out it.

TMI Thursday



That's right, it's TMI Thursday, and today as I promised Travis earlier this week is a story of poo.  There's a few things that I must tell you prior to getting to the main story.  First, I was in the military for eight and a half years.  Second, I went to the "Hot Place" in Feb of 2003 and again in Jan 2005.  This story is about my first foray into the Hot Place.

It was March of 2003, I was driving through the deserted fields of Iraq with 20,000 of my closest family members (because that's how we rolled).  We had just entered the town of As Samawah, when we started taking heavy mortar fire, and we turned around, booked out of the city and found an alternate route (since we couldn't slow down to engage the NME)  As we drove around the town, I felt The Urge, you know what I'm talking about.  So as the convoy stops, I go to the back of our truck and start looking for an empty MRE box. (Pictured Below)

 

I find one, cut a hole in the center, in preperation for what was to come.  Unfortunately for me, the convoy prepares to move.  So I hop back in the drivers seat, and drive onward, all the while feeling the righteousness building in my bowels.  After 15 minutes, we lose half the convoy behind us due to locals in traffic, so we stop.

Finally, the time has come to unleash my great fury upon the Earth.  I grab my jerry-rigged commode, and stomp off into the desert.  A mere 20 meters away from my truck.

It's a gorgeous day, the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky, no trees just sand, a whole lot of sand.  I had to overcome my fear of pooping in front of people.  It took all of thirty seconds.  I drop my commode into the sand, place my baby whipes to the side along with my TP and prepare to go.  Little did I know, everyone in the convoy had their eyes on me.  I drop my pant and rest upon the MRE box, and I wait...nothing happens...so I wait some more.  Still nothing, then a few of my buddies come over, bringing a Maxim and a presentation board to give me some privacy, but the board breaks and is of little use.

I feel my innards starting to unclench, and the beginngs of what would surely be the worlds best poo EVAR!  Then, the other half of our convoy shows up.  The entire Battalion has their eyes fixed squarely on my back (This is sadly the most protected I've ever felt in my life).

As if on cue, my platoon Sergeant says "[name redacted], it's time to go the convoy is here!", and the box breaks.  The entire Battalion begins laughing hysterically, while I grab a baby wipe and check to make sure that I hadn't inadvertently fallen into my own feces.  (Everything was good to go)  I stand up, and that's when it happens...I mooned the entire convoy, because I had to bend over to pick up my pants, and sure enough everyone got a good look at my pearly white cheeks, and there might have been a bulldog in there as well.

I found out later that my Platoon Sergeant had recorded the entire thing, I still need to find if he has that video...



Griffin

P.S. I did eventually get to poo, but it was during a sand storm, and it was indeed the BEST POO EVAR!!!!

5 comments:

  1. Ah.

    Our military mens bowels in action.

    I could hear the star spangled banner playing as I read this.

    Only maybe in a faster time.

    I salute you.

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  2. next week's tmi can be the video.

    oh say can you see.....

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  3. @GingerMandy Oh my lord, NO. That's where even I draw the line. Ahahahaha!

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  4. no video I promise...I think next week might be the V-Card

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  5. All modesty goes out the window when you're out in the desert...but that video would be priceless!

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