What you see is Not what you get...

Collecting dust

2011-11-20T00:56:00.001-05:00

It's been several months since my last post and there is nothing new to report; however, I've been extremely busy getting back into my martial arts as well as my studies and all the while this blog is collecting dust. Unfortunately taking a full course-load at college hasn't been helping the situation. I'm still a few credits shy of being a senior but I hope to graduate sometime next year. The only really exciting news I have to report is that I got a new phone. Yeah I got an iPhone 4S. It's my first smart phone. Actually I'm writing this blog post from my phone, but that's irrelevant.
Anyway, for those of you out here in the Internet who still read this blog I hope the holidays bring you good luck and good cheer and hopefully I'll be writing again sometime next year.

Grif

Quick Update

2011-09-23T22:02:00.001-04:00

So yeah. About the move. It didn't happen, so now I'm back in my parents house until I graduate from college. It wouldn't be so bad if I was ten years younger. Anyway. Thought those of u who still stop by would want to know. I miss interacting with you.

Grif

Moving to Baltimore...Hon

2011-07-21T20:34:00.000-04:00

If you're not from the local area, you might not understand the title. Yes, I am moving to Baltimore. In the last two weeks I have managed to find a new place to live as well as find someone willing to live with me (though to be honest she is in a similar situation which is motivating her to move). This will be my first time living in a more urban environment, which I'm not exactly comfortable with. Unfortunately I'm waiting for some paperwork from the VA in order to finish my application for housing. I've received information that they have received my application, but it's taking forever for them to get back to me about my approval. So until I hear otherwise I'm stuck, which sucks. Other than that there is nothing new to report.

Grif

Finished with school...for the next month or so

2011-06-30T20:23:00.002-04:00

So I've passed all my classes, registered for Fall and have finally purchased my books for the upcoming school year. Now I just need to get to work on finding two things: 1. a job and 2. a new place to live. Anyone out ther have any helpful ideas?

Getting Older...

2011-04-30T21:32:00.012-04:00

This should be nothing new to any of you. My thirty-first birthday has passed, and as usual nothing of consequence happened. That's now why I'm writing today. I was cruising the web and being older had a twinge of nostalgia. I decided to look up the website of the store of my first job. After a few minutes, I managed to find the website. Maybe I've spent too much time on the internet, perhaps I've been spending too much time writing code, or perhaps I just want websites to be awesome. I think this design is horrible, and I'd like to recommend an update to the owner; however, I'd need to design a website (something I've not done in a few years), I have access to tons of awesome design software. I'm thinking of creating a website for them (off line), then writing a proposal to create a social media presence (meaning a twitter account, which will tweet when the bagels are fresh, thus drawing in more customers). Perhaps I'm reaching too far, but personally I think this page is in need of an update.

Grif

Bagels and ...

Seriously Let me know your thoughts.

Spring Break

2011-03-23T15:33:00.000-04:00

How often do I really need to apologize for not writing? In all honesty, I don't believe I've gone one day without writing something, unfortunately most of this writing has been for school. Whether it's a 5 page paper on the evolution of e-commerce with respect to the smartphone, or a few paragraphs on the evolution of management. I have been writing a lot alot (for those not familiar with Allie you might want to check that out). Suffice it to say I've been busy as you would expect considering my course load.

One thing that has been troubling me lately is the ladies, well to be more specific my lack of interaction with them. (This is the part where I start to rant) Having been on numerous dating sites, and revising my profile to appeal to a broader female demographic, I've noticed a lack of interest from the female gender. What I find slightly amusing is the more weight I've lost, the less interested they become. Was I better looking when I weighed 250lbs? I shudder to think of those days, since all the effort I put in to losing those pounds has put me no closer to having a lady to share my life with (that's right I said share, not devote... and I ended with a preposition get over it.). So, my quandary is thus how can I find a woman, if no woman is willing to communicate with me? I leave it to you, my loyal readers, both of you, to help me through this situation. (end rant)

This could get ugly really fast.

Grif

Back in the Blogosphere

2011-02-03T14:53:00.000-05:00

While that's not quite correct. My schedule this semester is far more intense than last. Taking a full load (TWSS) of classes, which leaves me little time to write. Once again, that's not quite accurate, since I will be writing considerably more this semester than last. Both my Management courses require considerable writing, which will likely cause me to despise writing, or perhaps it may once again get my creative juices flowing. The only bonus of this semester is having free Fridays to catch up on reading/writing.

Hopefully I'll update on my Free Fridays, but I make no promises; though I would love to know who still reads this.

Griff

Phucking Physics

2011-01-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

So as many of you don't know, I re-enrolled in college after being laid-off. I kept my schedule to a minimum of 12 credit hours, so I could ease my way back into school. Little did I know I was signing up for one of my toughest courses ever. Physics 121 (Calculus based Physics), it's been over a decade since I took calculus, but I thought it wouldn't be too difficult, since this was an "introductory" course. Oh was I ever wrong. After deriving Newton's Second Law, things just went down hill from there. The sad thing is I learned a great deal in this course.
Now when I'm driving, I think about physics equations: drag, kinetic vs. static friction, inclined plane problems. I'm starting to go a little nuts. Anyway, after taking the final in December, I finally received my grade, but before I tell you, allow me to show you my grades from the course:
HW: 97%
Test 1 - 35 (points, not percent) out of 150
Test 2 - 29 (points, not percent) out of 150
Test 3 - 56 (points, not percent) out of 150
Final - 155 (points) out of 300
Quiz avg (80%)

As you can tell, this was not exactly my best class. I spent on average 10 hours per week studying for this class, either doing homework (usually about 4-6 hours) or in study group (2 hours Monday and Friday). Our professor informed us that he always has a curve, imagine how surprised I was to learn that I passed the class with a "C". I was elated!

Anyway, with that "C" plus two high "A"s for Applied Calculus and Psychology, I managed to make it through my first semester back in college with a solid 3.33 GPA. Now if I can just make it through the next 5 semesters, I'll be finished with my BS in IS, hopefully on track to getting my Master's in Cyber Security.

Griffin

Quick Update

2011-01-05T06:30:00.001-05:00

The How...

2011-01-04T12:09:00.001-05:00

  In response to Mandy's comment yesterday, allow me to expand on how I lost my weight. First, it started in May of 2010 while attending a friend's wedding. I realized that I was getting big, so I made a choice to get serious about getting into shape. I had previously spent a good deal of time trying to lose weight by doing strictly cardio, that was my error, though not entirely. I had eventually planned to getting into lifting once my heart was able to cope with the stress of lifting.

  After coming to the conclusion that I needed to head back to the gym I did my research. I was searching for a good lifting regimen, lucky for me the interwebz is full of them. After picking my workout, I started getting serious, though starting slowly. At first, ten minutes of cardio followed by lifting. After a few weeks of this I'd start to up the cardio. Now I'm up to 45 minutes of cardio followed by lifting. I only lift 4 times per week, which may seem odd, but it works for my schedule.

   I'd recommend for those just starting out, get yourself a steno notebook, something small that you can carry on you at the gym, to write down your workouts. After 7 months, I still carry mine with me at the gym, writing down how many calories I burn, what my weight is once I start my workout and my weight after. I also write down my workout, how much I lift, number of sets, and put a hash mark for each set I complete. It keeps me motivated and on track to my goals.
  Hopefully I'll be able to post an spreadsheet for those who are curious of my weight change over the last few months (I lost my first notebook, when someone broke into my truck).

Basically it breaks down to this:
Stay motivated,
Hold yourself accountable
Be patient, permanent weight loss takes time.

Griffin

Uh...I'd say happy New Year, but it would fall upon deaf ears...

2011-01-03T11:26:00.001-05:00

Well, yeah Hi to those of you who still venture back here week to week, hoping that I've posted some new stuff. It's your lucky day. For those who have been wondering what exactly I've been up to here's a quick run down of things that have happened since the last blog post:
Things I've lost:
My sanity
My Job
30 pounds

Things I've accomplished:
Completed my first semester back in School
Built a closer relationship with my parents
Forgiven people who have betrayed me.

It was a tumultuous year, but I managed to make it through, I doubt I could have made it without my family, and those who have been checking up on me (yes, I mean you Kaydee).

So for your viewing pleasure I'm including a few pictures so you can see for yourself how much I lost this year.

This was me in April, notice the pronounced gut and chins

December 2010 (actually this was taken last week after I managed to drop 30 lbs)

Update.... I just took this pic...

Thoughts???

Are you still there?

2010-08-23T11:04:00.000-04:00

It's been a few months since I've added actual content, and many of you may not have realized I went away. I've stopped using twitter, only because I don't spend that much time on the internet these days. I'm starting up school next week, and to date I still don't have a job. I've been unemployed for exactly two months now. The worst part is I don't really mind not working.

Griff

Losing it all...

2010-05-17T06:16:00.000-04:00

Argh... these past few weeks have been somewhat stressful. A week after my last post I received a letter from my PM telling me that my contract was not being renewed by the client (for the uninitiated this means, I'm being laid off). Now, I'm stuck trying to find a new job, all the while trying to get back into school. Unfortunately this leaves little time for me to write.

I've been mostly working on my resume, though there is little I can do now to make it any better. I'm surprised at how many jobs require a college degree. Though I'm not going to go on my diatribe of the uselessness of a college degree when weighted against someone with actual experience (the person with the experience usually gets hired regardless of education). Fortunately for me, I've got plenty of experience...

Anyway, that's the update for right now. My mind isn't exactly processing at full speed, so that's all you get for now.

Failed Pick Up Lines

2010-04-10T10:30:00.000-04:00

While I was at Starbucks this week, I was made aware of "failed pick up lines". These are some of the funniest things I've heard in a while. I'd like to come up with a few more, but my mind has been a bit erratic as of late. I can only remember two at the moment, but if you can thing of a few, go ahead and leave them in the comments:

Guy: "Did it hurt?"
Girl: "Did what hurt?
Guy: "When you fell from heaven..."
Girl: "No"
Guy: "It looks like you fell on your face"

Guy: "Are you tired?"
Girl: "No"
Guy" Because you've been running through my mind all day..."
Girl :"Aww"
Guy :" ...Screaming"

Thoughts??

I did what?

2010-03-07T20:13:00.000-05:00

I almost gave up on blogging, for those who noticed a little absence in your readers, thanks for noticing. I've been having some issues lately (access to twitter, facebook, and blogger). It's been a difficult few weeks, but I'm back, though not in full force yet. For those of you who want to follow me once again you can click here. My posts are infrequent, in comparison to my old account (which was deleted). I hope you forgive me for my absense, and I hope to be semi-normal once again.

Griffin

Breaking down your preconceived notions. Part 2 of MANY

2010-02-12T05:17:00.000-05:00

OK, so last week I came out and told you about getting a DUI, now it's time to get down to brass tax.

Today we're going to cover the Arrest (or at least what I can remember of the arrest):

After crashing my car into a collapsible road construction sign (thus totally my car), I sat in my car for a while, pondering what to do. Until I saw flashing lights, a medic came up to me asking me if I was OK (I apparently passed out for a few minutes in the interim). I told him I was uninjured and that I didn't need medical attention. Next came the police officer, who asked for my license, which I tendered without hesitation. He asked the usual battery of questions:
"Have you been drinking?"
"How much did you drink?"
"When did you have your last drink?"
To which I responded honestly:
"Yes"
"5 beers"
"an hour or so ago"
(I may or may not have slipped in some Arabic here...since I was totally drunk at the time, and usually that when my language skills start coming out)

Then he asked another question, which I answered unusually:
"Sir, would you consent to a field sobriety test?"

my answer might shock you:

"No, just go ahead and arrest me now"

I cannot tell you exactly what was going through my head at the time, but I knew I had been caught red-handed and didn't really want to fuck around with some stupid field sobriety test I knew I would fail. (Later I discovered that even if you pass the field sobriety test, the officer could still arrest you under suspicion of DUI, so either way I was fucked)

The officer then placed the cuffs on me and patted me down, asking if I carried any weapons (I wasn't). Then he proceeded to check my vehicle for any open containers (There were none in my vehicle).

This is where things start to get fuzzy, he puts me in the back of his squad car, and we head down to the station for processing.

The processing goes without incident (paperwork, finger prints, I cannot remember if I had to take a mug shot or not).

(NO, I was not read my Miranda Rights, since I was not going to be interrogated)

I was asked to consent to a Breathalyzer test, after reading the consent paper work over and over (taking about half an hour to an hour) I finally consented.

I had to blow twice (so they can get an average of your BAC), my average 0.15 BAC (almost twice the legal limit[which is total bullshit])

The officer then handed me a piece of paper which would act as my license, until I decided whether to submit to having a breathalyzer installed in my car or opt for an administrative hearing with the MVA (which would have ended with me having the breathalyzer installed in my car).

After signing the required paperwork, I was released on my own recognizance (ROR), since I have deep roots in the community (meaning I live with my parents and have a Gov't job, I wasn't going anywhere). Before I left I had to see the magistrate (I don't know what they are actually called, but these are the people who take your filled out paperwork and schedule your court date). Then I hopped in a cab and headed home.

My troubles had only just begun...

Post it Note Tuesday...

2010-02-09T05:13:00.000-05:00

Yup, it's that time. Here We Go:

That link would be (http://blog.griffin2002.com) in case you were wondering.

There was a football game last night?

2010-02-08T05:51:00.000-05:00

This totally escaped me, no really, I did watch the game (or I watched the commercials and then would get whatever I needed to get done while the game was on). I spent a majority of the evening tweeting back and forth with Travis, Mandy, Luis, JAG, Jeney and of course Kaydee.

I have to say the commercials were pretty disappointing. Though I really enjoyed Career builders "Casual Friday" commercial, as well as the Dockers give-away. The Doritos Ninja was a little disconcerting in my opinion. Defeatthedebt.com won my personal award for improper use of Children (I'm sure many of you saw this commercial). My reasons are, the bastardization of the Pledge of Allegiance...Do NOT Fuck with the Pledge...as well as the children having no idea what they are talking about, who really understands the national debt at the age of 8-10? Really? Unless you're a genius/savant/prodigy/Ender/Bean/Battle School Grad.(End Rant)

Prior to the game last night Sean and I spent the majority of the day shoveling out of Snowpocalypse 2. This was a local trending topic on twitter (and had been for the majority of the weekend). Thankfully it only took us 4 hours to dig out my car/my sidewalk/my court, now my back is sore, and I get to do it all over again tomorrow. They are anticipating another 5-12 inches of snow in the forecast.

Oh, and also, in case I have not made it abundantly clear in the past. I FUCKING HATE SNOW!

Breaking down your preconceived notions. Part 1 of MANY

2010-02-05T04:39:00.000-05:00

As I may or may not have told many of you, I have been charged with a DUI (back in 2008). I've done my time, but wanted to pass along some things I've learned throughout the judicial process, as well as the nightmares that come with it.

First, let me start off by saying, no one was injured, since I was the only person involved in the incident. I'm sure some of you are fuming that I wasn't killed because I got behind the wheel while intoxicated, let me assure you, living with the guilt is much harder than just dying...I’m just saying.

Let’s set the stage shall we? Remember when I wrote that post about my phone becoming a fish? This was that night, talk about bad omens. It was my High School Reunion, open bar, and the booze was flowing faster than the Mississippi after a rain storm. I drank way too much, but I had thought about getting a hotel, instead of driving home (see I did plan ahead) as the party ended, I was left alone, so I did the one thing that comes natural to me. I drove home (or made a valiant attempt). I’m not going to go into too much detail regarding the incident itself, but I will tell you about being arrested, dealing with the MVA, getting a lawyer, dealing with security issues, Alcohol Education, having an Interlock device, and finally court. It was an 18 month process, and in the end, I finally learned my lesson.

Total Cost of my DUI?
$7,249.80 (and that doesn’t include having to buy a new car)

I'll be writing updates every Friday, so keep a look out, and if you don't want to hear about it, go ahead and un-sub...

Taking a break this week

2010-02-04T05:23:00.000-05:00

This would be the part where I say something like "it's that time again", but I've got nothing to tell you this week. Well, that's not exactly true, but I can't recall anything at the ungodly hour of 5 in the morning (sadly this is when I do most of my writing). So, I'm sorry to all my lovely stalkers for not having a TMI post for you today, but I do hope to be back next week with more awesomely awful stories of either poo, sex, or sex toys. There will be a new feature (and by feature, I mean recurring post) coming on the 20th of February, so be on the look out. I will have a confession to make to all of you, which will surprise all but 4 of my readers.

OK happy Thursday everyone...and someone...please tell me you got laid last night...

This Post is not Worthy of a Title

2010-02-03T07:32:00.002-05:00

I woke up really late this morning...(Let me clarify that for you…I woke up at 5:30) For me that’s two hours late. Now, I tried to reason this by telling myself that since it snowed last night, it would probably be best to wait until the roads were clear, so I flipped on the TV (after my morning smoke) and saw that in fact the roads were clear, and had been for quite some time.

If you had not guessed already, other than a habit of hating snow, I have one other pet-peeve. Tardiness, seriously that irks the hell out of me. To me, being tardy is a sign of disrespect and a lack of planning. I guess this is just left over baggage from my time in the military, where if we weren’t 10 minutes early we were considered late.

I like to think of myself as being a man of my word. JAG knows this, as does The Ginger, and Kaydee as well. And I feel disappointed/aggravated when others aren’t the same as me. I guess it’s just my failure to see life through their eyes (really I’ve been reading Paper Towns too much)

Anyway, this post isn't really informative, or even interesting. I hope someone gets laid today, since it is "Hump Day", Gawd knows I won't....

Post-it Note Tuesday

2010-02-02T05:48:00.000-05:00

Yup, It's PINT yet again....and here we go.

DAmmit!

2010-02-01T15:52:00.001-05:00

I could have sworn I posted something earlier, that's what I get for using the e-mail posting. OK, so I totally wrote something today, but apparently it got shredded on it's way to blogger, so just pretend like I wrote something funny (you guys do this everyday, so it shouldn't be much of a stretch) and leave me a nice comment or something.

I.HATE.SNOW

2010-02-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

I'm actually speaking of both the performer and the wintery precipitation this time. That's right, I hate snow. Actually, snow isn't so bad, as long as I don't have to drive in it, which I had to do over the weekend. Normally, this wouldn't be too much of a problem, it seems like every other person in Maryland had to be on the road this weekend. I had an appointment on Saturday morning, which isn't out of the ordinary for me. I managed to leave early enough to make it with plenty of time to spare.

After my appointment, I decided to head to Wal-Mart, to go "wal-creature" hunting (don't know what that is? Check out PeopleofWalmart.com) really I had to get a few more button-downs for work, since mine were wearing thin and I didn't want to spend an arm and a leg at Men's Warehouse or spend my monthly paycheck at Brooks Brothers, and Target just doesn't have the same "colorful" people.

So, I find out that my car handles horribly in the snow (as most cars without snow tires often do). I think I nearly hit about 3 or 4 cars just getting into the parking lot of Wal-Mart. Once done with my shopping, I get back on the road, now here is a grievance I have with MD drivers. If you're driving twenty miles or more BELOW the speed limit, TURN ON YOUR GAWD DAMN HAZARDS. I mean really, this isn't common sense? I guess not. Anyway, I managed to make it home in one piece and spent the rest of my weekend texting back and forth with Kaydee (coffeewithkaydee.com). Pretty much normal for me (read I'm very dull, and don't know why you come back here, unless of course you have some masochistic tendencies for mundane stories that aren't told very well and extremely long run-on sentences by someone who barely passed college English.)

End of Relationship Week

2010-01-29T05:51:00.001-05:00

Thank fucking GAWD, this week is coming to an end. If you haven't
noticed, I've been a bit absent from the Interwebz, not that many of you
noticed anyway. Work has been picking up, so I've been pretty busy.
Anyway, I'm concluding relationship week with a few things that most of
you don't know (though some of you might already know).

My Relationship stats:

Total number of "actual" girlfriends: 7
(I quantify this by saying the relationship lasted more than a month and
a half)
Yes, I still know all their names, so here they are in chronological
order:
April
Angie
Karen
*Jenny
*Charlie (Charlize)
Elizabeth
Emily

*These two girls I was actually engaged to

It might seem odd, that I was engaged to two girl back-to-back, and I
would whole heartedly agree with you.
Anydiamondsarenotagirlsbestfriend, I hope you all have a wonderful
weekend, and hopefully I'll be back next week with a whole lot less emo
bullshit, and more funny.

TMI Thursday - Basic Training Deformity

2010-01-28T09:05:00.001-05:00

Okay it's TMI Thursday, and unfortunately I can't directly link to
Lilu's blog through my e-mail. Anyway, let's get on with the show.

So, back when I was cool (strike that, I was never cool, what I meant to
say was, when I was younger). I joined the military. As we all know,
(or you will know now) Basic Combat Training is wrought with peril. You
get shot at (I'm not making this up, it actually happens), you walk a
lot (like 5-6 miles per day), and you exercise a lot. Unfortunately,
this story is about none of those.

This is about BRM (Basic Rifle Marksmanship). I will try not to bore
you (I might accidentally) with the details of BRM, but suffice it to
say, I was properly trained on how to fire a M16-A2 semi-automatic
rifle. Now, during basic there are two positions that I fired from, the
prone unsupported (lying on my stomach) and the supported (in a
foxhole). So, we're practicing firing from the supported position,
everything goes well. I climb out of my fox hole and my foot slips. I
fall...onto the ledge of the foxhole (well, my ass hit the ledge of the
foxhole, then I slid the rest of the way down, and hit my head on the
ledge as well). Things went blurry for a minute as I regained my
faculties, the DS came over to check on me and I assured him I could
carry on. The rest of the day I feel a pain in my ass (literally), and
I continue to have a slight limp.

The following day, the pain is still there. So I go to sick call;
however, the medic asks me how I was injured...which I told him, then
says the following:

"So, what you're telling me is that you want me to send you to the
Hospital because your ass hurts?"

-"Yup"

"Soldier, that's not going to fly"

-"Well, it hurts..."

The conversation went on for a while, but my memory is becoming faulty
since it's been 10 years. Anybuttsecks, I still had no idea what was
wrong, or why I was limping around, until a few days later when I looked
in the mirror. What I saw was a huge bruise on my ass, (insert
obligatory ass pounding joke here) as well as...wait for it...a dent.
Yes, you read that correctly, there was a dent in my right cheek. A
perfect impression of the ledge of the foxhole. I thought that in time
it would go away, but to this day, the impression of the foxhole is
still there.

It is still Relationship Week: Where I talk about my first "girlfriend"

2010-01-27T06:30:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you a story, of a 13 year old Nick (yes, that's me). Now, our little boy was barely budding with hormones, developing an interest in girls (this isn't exactly true). One fine day, a lovely girl named "Jessica" asked our young hero to be her "boyfriend". (Little did our hero know that she had just recently been dumped by her long time boyfriend). Nick jumped at the opportunity, since he had not known any girls to have an interest in him. So, filled with the heady feeling of being wanted, our hero set forth to be a good boyfriend. He sat next to her at lunch. They talked, held hands, and were generally cute together.

The first day was magnificent. Our young hero filled with overwhelming emotions, mostly happiness. That evening, a terrible feeling filled his stomach, a pit of despair. He told his confidant (his mother) "I think she's going to dump me tomorrow" (little did he know). The following day, in order to impress his girlfriend, he dressed impeccably (much like a peacock) a pressed shirt and dark slacks. The day passed, but Jessica was no where to be found, though many had stated seeing her during the day. In the second to last period (Home Economics) a mutual friend "Sheree" told Nick that Jessica no longer wished to be his girlfriend, to this he had no response, but to let emotion flow. He cried, big wet tears, in front of his classmates, not caring who saw.

I have told you this story, so you will have perspective on this story.

Our hero, once again finds himself pining for a young girl, who asks him to be her girlfriend. Without hesitation or forethought, he said "Yes". Again, he was filled with the heady feeling of being wanted. However, our friend was told during his lunch period that the girls intentions were not pure. If history has been kind to memory. I believe the exact phrase was this:

"Nick, [name redacted] is going to dump you in 6th period, just so she can watch you cry"

Needless to say, our hero was deeply hurt, and angry that someone would take advantage of his emotions like this. Our hero, decided to end it right then.

The unfortunate side-effect of this event was our hero has an extremely difficult time trusting women, which might be the reason for his relationship failings.

Post It Note Tuesday: More Relationship Stuff

2010-01-26T05:44:00.000-05:00

Hooray for Post-it Note Tuesday

Mostly these are about first dates:

Breaking up is hard

2010-01-25T05:53:00.001-05:00

Yeah, this one is a no-brainer. Over the weekend, I cleared the air with a lady I have been seeing/texting/talking to for about a month. And I have but one thing left to say:

I'm not good at relationships. I really have only semi-succeeded once (one that lasted more than 6 months). I would like to blame it on the trauma that happend to me as a teenager, but I can't really make excuses.

So, who is this mystery lady? Well she's from New York, has a kick-ass personality, and eyes that make me go all gooey on the inside.

So, why not go for it then? That question took a long time to answer, after several days of thinking I found the answer, because I suck at relationships. This is not an exaggeration, most relation have lasted less than 6 months except for 1, and I also tend to write people off. Case and point, I just broke it off with my best friend of 14 years on New Years Day (Yes D, I'm talking about you, now go crawl in a hole and never come out again).

I think it's best if I stay single, not because I don't want a relationship (quite the contrary), but because I don't know how to be "in a relationship". I play mind games with people all the time, and I didn't want to do this to the girl from New York(because I really do care about her), so once I felt like I was going to start them, I had to stop. I don't like people hating me, but it's bound to happen anyway.

I wanted to be friends, but she didn't want that. I totally understand, really I do. I harbor no ill will.

So, for the girl from New York, I'm sorry.

So...why was I in Cali?

2010-01-22T07:07:00.000-05:00

This is a question very few (and by few, I mean none) of you have asked. I moved to California in May of 2000 (yes I'm old, get over it). Well, moved is probably the wrong word, permanent change of station is more appropriate in this instance. Before I continue, I must tell you about a guy who no longer exists:

"College Griffin"

Yes, I went to college (actually University), Towson University to be more precise. I was only enrolled for 3 semesters, at the time I wanted to study Computer Science, but the thought of sitting behind a desk staring at code for 12+ hours a day wasn't exactly appealing (yeah, that's total bullshit, I was partying too much and was failing all my classes that I hadn't already dropped), so instead of changing my major, I dropped out and joined the Army. (Cue the Ben Folds Five)...*the rest of this will be divulged in another blog post*

So, Basic Training went by without much incident (lots of: running, push-ups, yelling, cleaning, folding, and shining boots). Then I PCS'd to Monetery California (yes, I know I already told you this). Let's get to the crux of the story. Why Monterey? The answer isn't one you'd expect, the Army sent me to school (yes, I get the irony), to learn...dun dun dun, a new language (well, new to me anyway).

What language? That I'm gonna keep in my back pocket for the time being, there might be a time when I tell you, but today is not your lucky day. So, I ~~lived~~ was stationed in Monterey for a year and a half. My daily schedule was like this:

0600 Wake-up/pee

0605 smoke

0610 shower

0620 get dressed

0630 get breakfast

0700 go to formation

0715 smoke

0725 head to class

0730 class starts

1130 Lunch

1300 class resumes

1530 class ends

1600 PT (Physical Training for the uninitiated)

1700 PT ends

1705 Smoke

1710 shower

1720 get dressed

1730 get dinner

1800 pretend to do homework/study/flirt with ladies

1900 actually do homework/study

2100 finish homework/study

2101 turn on the TV and veg out

2300 go to sleep

Actually, there was quite a bit more smoking invovled, but you get the idea. That might seem like a very easy schedule, and looking back on it, it was; however, at the time it was not. That 6 hour block of instruction was done almost entirely in the target language. From Day 1 until the day I graduated, the teachers predominantly spoke in their native tounge to us, using English to helps us understand abstract concepts/verb conjugations/grammar etc. Usually, we had about two hours worth of homework every evening or two hours of mandatory study hall (we were in the military after all...)

During our time off we were allowed to explore. I spent the majority of my time in and around Monterey. (more on this in another blog post)

So, a year and a half later, after finishing my class, I graduated (oh Mai Gawd) and to top it off, I graduate... with Honors. (I'm sooo not kidding about this)

So now, nine years later I still speak the language that I learned in Cali, and look back fondly on those times. Sometimes, I miss it...

TMI Thursday: Karma...yup, it's a B*tch

2010-01-21T06:22:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are new to my blog, I'd like to ask you to kindly read this post, before continuing with today's TMI post. As you can no doubt tell, I am a firm believer in Karma, not that I really know much about it, but that's for another day.

So, we left off with me totally being a punk and ditching a lady mid-coitus. Flash forward a few weeks, and my tender bits begin to itch, like whoah. I figured this was just a case of "crotch rot" from exercising and living with a bunch of dudes, so I thought nothing of it. Every time I was in the shower, I would turn the hot water on full, and it was a wave of relief as the itch went away. After putting up with the itch for a few weeks, I decided it was time to go to the doctor. The first thing the doctor wanted to see was...well you guessed it, my manhood. So, I obliged, he took one look at it and said: "Looks like you've got scabies, let me just double check real quick".

So, it turns out that I did in fact have scabies, and I was prescribed an ointment to rub over my body (from head to toe) as well as a pill that would kill any of the living mites that were burrowed in my skin. What I didn't tell you was that I wasn't just affected in between my thighs (near the taint region), but actually on my hands/manhood/legs as well. After washing my sheets/everything I own in hot water to sterilize them, everything turned out OK.

What's the moral of this story?

Karma might not bite you in the ass, but she'll sure as hell bite you on the dick if you act like one!

Love Harder

2010-01-20T12:00:00.015-05:00

Our Plea

Our friend Brandy is a brilliant writer, a wonderful teacher, and a generous friend. And she is in love with a man who has just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

We are raising money for the Multiple Myeloma Research Fund in his name. For the price of a cinnamon dolce latte, half-caf, hold the whip, you can be part of an effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide.

http://www.loveharder.org

Every dollar brings us a dollar closer to a cure. And every donation brings a sliver of hope to a girl who needs all the hope she can get.

Love Harder,
Griffin

What You Can Do

Give. Be part of a worldwide effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide. Every dollar helps.
Pass it on. Forward this story to five people. Share this blog post. Become our fan on Facebook.
Love harder. Life is short, love is unbending, and no one knows what could happen next. Tell someone you love them today.

Where Your Money Goes

The American Institute of Philanthropy recently named The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation one of the best organizations to give to in terms of their accountability and use of resources.
By working closely with researchers, clinicians and partners in the biotech and pharmaceutical industry, the MMRF has helped bring multiple myeloma patients four new treatments that are extending lives around the globe.
The MMRF has advanced twenty Phase I and Phase II clinical trials. They need your support to advance these clinical research programs and accelerate the development of better, more effective treatments.
The MMRF's Multiple Myeloma Genomics Initiative recently became the first to sequence the multiple myeloma whole genome in its entirety.
A whopping 98% of your donation to the MMRF will be used immediately to support high-priority multiple myeloma research.
With diminishing funding for early stage drug development and the next myeloma treatments not expected to be approved until 2011, the MMRF desperately needs your help.

Brandy's Story
My name is Brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach, and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds.

Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog-- as personal as the dude that I adore. But I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job.

He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school-- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred.

He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making-- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you.

This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next.

Thank you for reading this, and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Wednesday...

2010-01-20T05:50:00.000-05:00

Here's my trouble as of late, finding topics to blog about. (As well as writing complete coherent sentences seems to be another issue entirely.) So, I would like to ask you, my lovely readers, to leave me some suggestions on possible future topics.

Today, I was hopefully going to post Part II of "What I learned at the Strip Club", but Eve hasn't gotten back to me yet (I mean, she has yet to submit something for me to post). She has read the blog, but I can understand that it's a bit hectic with her schedule.

Is this writers block, or just a lack of creativity on my part? Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy Hump day, and I'll catch you all soon.

I might come up with a new meme, but it would only work if others did it as well, I was thinking about starting a possible "Stuff I want Wednesday" (that could possibly work)

Post It Note Tuesday...

2010-01-19T05:43:00.000-05:00

I'm killing two birds with one stone today. I've been tagged by Kaydee over at Coffee with Kaydee, since it's Tuesday and I love participating in PINT what better way to knock it out :) So I proudly present 10 things I'm thankful for, Post It Note Style :)

and now for your regularly scheduled blog:

Ok, that's enough post its for today. I'll catch you all soon.

I have company...

2010-01-16T10:53:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone for not posting yesterday, but I was in a zone cleaning my house in preparation for a friends arrival (read: I procrastinate, and I am extremely lazy). This offered no time for writing. It's been an eventful weekend thus far. I met up with Eve, and she may or may not guest post here soon. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I do hope she sends me something. Everyone, have an awesome weekend! I'll catch you all on Monday (if I'm awake).

Griffin

TMI Thursday - Twofer

2010-01-14T05:51:00.002-05:00

Well it is once again Thursday, and as a special bonus, I'm giving you two TMI stories today. Although quite possibly not TMI, they are definitely...strange. So, buckle up, get ready because, Here.We. GO!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Today's TMI story spawns from when I lived back in Monterey, CA. I had a few buddies with whom I regularly hung out. Friday and Saturday nights were most often spent out at Fort Ord, drinking/partying. This is a tale of one such party, but before I go too much into detail, I must tell you of Naked Hour(this is the 1st part of the TMI).

Yes, you read that correctly, apparently my friends were closet nudists. So every time there were more than 5 people together, and alcohol was involved, at some point in the evening there would be Naked Hour. I hope I don't have to explain what that is...Eventually at some point in the night, someone would become soo drunk as to think that it was time for Naked Hour; however, in order for it to be official, it must be seconded. As the evening progressed, we had about 8 or 9 people at the house. Someone (I'm totally not naming anyone, for fear of possible reprisals) recommended Naked Hour (and for those of you who believe that only one gender got naked during the hour, you are incorrect in your assumptions). And it was seconded, so off came all the clothes.

I had, up to this point, not participated in Naked Hour, since I was uncomfortable with myself, but I thought, what the hell. So I stripped down to my epidermis, and continued drinking my beer while sitting on the couch. (This is where the second TMI comes in) My good buddy (we'll call him Stan), sits next to me and looks down at my crotch and says "HOLY SHIT DUDE! You've got HUGE BALLS!" (I wish I was making this up...FML). Anytesties, I didn't think to much of it at the time, but several years later, having asked a few ladies, it has been confirmed. I do in fact have huge balls.

Are you throwing up yet?

Have a good Thursday everyone. Don't forget to stop by LiLu's for Post Secret TMI Thursday!

For those of you who don't follow me on FB, I kinda sort of came out of the closet last night...no not that closet, get your mind out of the gutter, the other closet. You know, I admitted my real name, if you want to know, I guess you'll just have to check the FB page.

Things I've learned at the Strip Club

2010-01-13T06:14:00.002-05:00

Thanks mostly in part to Ginger Mandy and Travis, I've decided to blog about strippers, one of the few subjects that I know a good deal of information about. I will warn you now, this might get a bit graphic, but I'll try to keep it PG-13 for the sake of my new reader :) (Welcome Brittney).

this is such bullshit...who doesn't want a pole dance while they're going to work???

Ok, now lets start with Stripper etiquette (For the Men):
1. If a lady asks if you want a lap dance, and you're not interested, don't waste her time, just say no
2. If you get a lap dance, and it was a good one, tip (seriously, this is not even optional if it's Eve)
3. Talk to the stripper like she's an actual person (because she is)
4. If she does something special just for you like wearing a Star Wars T-Shirt, TIP!
5. If you're sitting at the stage, you HAVE to TIP!!!! (This is not optional)
6. Remember that these ladies talk to each other...so be good to all of them.
7. If you're drunk, prepare to walk home with an empty wallet.
8. Unless it's a Brothel, you're not going home with a stripper.

Ok, now for the ladies, let's break it down. How do you make money at the strip club? Oddly enough I actually know the answer for this one. First, whenever you dance, you have to pay the house (This is how the Club generates its revenue). Usually this amount can vary; however, I have seen it go as high as $150 per night of dancing. With that in mind, what is the best way to over come this deficit and make some serious cash?

1. Work the Johns, walk around, talk, be interested in what the Johns have to say (Even if you don't care)
2. Lap dances are a sure fire way to cover your house costs. (If the average lap dance is 30-50 dollars)
3. Make eye contact. Some guys are all about the T & A, some are about Legs, and then there's me...a phuckin' Eye Guy.
4. Appear single (Even if you are not), this is a general rule of thumb for Clubs, no boyfriends allowed at the Club.
5. Easy marks (read Drunk Men) = Easy money. If you see a guy who keeps throwing out twenties, good chance he's flush with cash, and you could probably get one or two lap dances out of him.

Speaking of lap dances, from what I've witnessed/experienced in the past, there are generally 3 types of lap dances:
1. The grind - where the lady rubs against your man bits for the entirety of the song, forcing you to either a) get another lap dance in hopes of "rubbin' one out" or b) walk around awkwardly.
2. The show - where she doesn't touch you that much, but shows all her goods. This lack of contact may turn off some Johns, but it also might stimulate some Johns into buying another dance in hopes of getting a grind or two.
3. The nuzzle - where she lies against you, and moving slowly, seductively, and breathes on your neck and in your ear. This is the most, erotic of all three (in my opinion), since it closely simulates forplay.

Every guy is different, so don't be afraid to try all three.

Now, about a word or two on pole dancing. The way you move has a great effect on how much you will receive in tips. Work the pole, use it as often as you can, spin, slide, whatever it takes, do something to captivate the Johns attention (though most will be staring at you anyway). There are usually three parts to any good pole dance:

Part I: The entrance (depends on whether there is a stage or not), walk out with confidence. Own the stage. Take not of any Johns sitting near or at the stage (These are your Easy Marks). Be sure to make eye contact with them and smile (not the vicious smile, but the friendly "Oh Hai" smile).

Part II: The dance/The Strip. This one varies, but usually doesn't involve much of the pole. Commonly this entails, crawling/writhing/kneeling. As this happens, clothes tend to make their way towards the floor. (This will take lots of practice...although I know many ladies are good at this, be sure you can do it smoothly)

Part III: The Pole. Depending on the club you're in, they may or may not have a pole for you to use. I would recommend before dancing that you spend sometime working with the pole before you dance for Johns. Working the pole requires serious core strength. I have seen girls who will hold themselves on the pole for thirty seconds (upside down) using only their legs. Whatever you do, be sure not to move too quickly, since most men will be intoxicated, they won't be able to follow you with their eyes. Above all else, enjoy it, these men are actually paying to see you dance.

If you want more tips on pole dancing might I suggest going here

Post It Note Tuesday ...My Mask of Sanity is about to slip

2010-01-12T05:47:00.002-05:00

Sorry about the title, but for some reason I couldn't help but think of American Psycho. All of today's Notes are about inanimate or unreal objects. As always, special thanks to Supah for creating this Meme :)

My 30th

2010-01-11T06:07:00.001-05:00

One of my good buddies hit the big 30 this weekend, years old, not sexual partners (though I cannot confirm that), and it got me thinking, since I'm turning 30 this year, what would I like for my birthday. After spending a few minutes thinking about strippers (sooo not out of the ordinary for me). I decided to write down a few things I'd like, in the event that I actually make it to my birthday.

1. I want this

photo courtesy of Tesla Motors

Yes, that is a Lamborghini Gallardo Spider

in my driveway with a title in my name, and all the insurance paid for.

2. Two words - Laser Tag! (Yeah, I know I'm turning 30, but damnit I want to actually have fun)

3. No wine, beer, or liquor. (If you can't handle hanging around me when you're sober...then I've got 4 letters for you...GTFO)

4. THERE WILL BE STRIPPERS (ok, maybe not, but if someone could convince Eve to come, that'd be totally awesome)

5. Fogo De Chao - Do I really need a reason?

6. The event will take place on Friday OR Saturday (Most likely Saturday)

7. My Party, My Rules, if you don't like it, I might just punch you in the face.

That's all I've managed to come up with so far, but it's still a few months off. Does anyone else have any ideas? I'd love to hear them.

P.S. Oh yeah, Sorry guys about Friday. I was having issues with being creative.

My writing process. (incoherent)

2010-01-08T06:33:00.000-05:00

*Insert witty opening line here*

Write words and stuff, preferably something hilllarious. Reference some 80's or 90's show to connect with your audience (well, at least the audience you have). Self-Deprication (It's not a sin, just fucking do it). Delete your entire post. Start over from scratch.

Write something Emo. Reference some emo song (preferrably My Chemical Romance), to connect with a "different" audience. Delete your entire post again.

Ask for help on Twitter. Wait for a response (wait half an hour). Catch up on your google reader. Go smoke. Think about what to post, realize you've already written about "that", think about something else. Wait for the "work-wife" to come in.

Think about the weekend. Think about telling everyone you have "writer's block". Realize after saying this you are not a "writer", so you can't have a "block".

Check for Responses on Twitter (none found). Decide to write your thought process. Fail to write in complete coherent sentences (Win?)

TMI Thursday: Awkward situation at the Novelty Shop

2010-01-07T05:44:00.003-05:00

So, it's Thursday...and you know what that means. Yes, it is one day closer to Friday, but that's not exactly what I had in mind. Yes, you're right it's one day closer to the No Pants Party on the Metro. Still not what I meant, but whatever. It's TMI Thursday! Woot, so grab a cup of coffee, a cup of Orange Juice, a hot tea, or your favorite energy drink and get ready for some outrageous stories. As always, much love goes out to Lilu for making this category, if you want even more outrageousness click the pick below.

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Now some of you would be right in guessing that last Saturday spent with the Ladies of the Blog, would have given me great fodder for TMI Thursday, but I'll not embarrass them, since they will most definitely read this. So this one (as all my TMI posts have been) is about me.

This story take place in a little town called Monterey, CA. For those of you who have never been there, I would highly recommend taking the trip, but that's not why we're here, so on with the TMI.

I guess I should give you a little background, I was 20 at the time of this incident, and have since put my lecherous ways behind me.

Now some of you may know what those video booths are for at the Novelty Shops. You guessed it, it's for previewing the best parts of movies that are available at the store; however, much to my disbelief, some people use it for other reasons. Much to my embarrassment, I was there for other reasons.

So, for the un-initiated, when you enter into one of these video booths, you insert your money, and then are given a selection of videos to watch. It's all pretty easy, since it was all done by computer. I also forgot to mention that the booths have a maximum occupancy of 1 (and the doors to the booths DO NOT have locks on them).

So, there I was, watching a porno while "taking care of business", and then the door to my booth opens. I wasn't quite finished, but I wasn't close to finished either, so I quickly stowed my manhood, and proceeded to watch the porno. At first I thought I knew who it would be, but then I turned my head to the side, and realized that I did not. Awkward to say the least, as some man, whom I did not know, was in the booth with me, watching a porn. I have no idea if he was "taking care of business", I was too afraid to check. I was also worried that he might try to offer me sexual favors in exchange for sharing the booth with him. So after two minutes, the guy leaves (dude's got no stamina). I know, you're probably thinking, Griffin, why didn't you just get up and leave? I didn't leave because, 1. I had already paid, and since I was poor I wasn't about to lose my money and 2. I hadn't finished my mission.

After the "really fucking creepy" guy left, I managed to finish "taking care of my business" and then walked out as quickly as I could. Never again returning to that store, and I live in CA for another year after that.

Dear GAWD, I really need to stop posting this shit.

Also, who are the two naughtiest animals on the farm?

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.

Resolution #1 Get more Subscribers...Check!

2010-01-06T06:04:00.000-05:00

So, earlier yesterday I tweeted how I wanted more subscribers to my blog. Then, thanks to Supah and whatagrandworld, it seems I have met my 10+ subs to my blog. Thank you! Now if only I could get ya'll to stick around. I'm sure there is something funny/humiliating that I could write about today, but since it's not Thursday, I guess you'll just have to deal with this post.

There are a few things that I've learned, since I got back into blogging:
1. More than 1 post per day = bad idea
2. Twitter is a great resource for reaching out to new readers
3. Do not let your mother read your blog...EVER (she wishes that I wouldn't be so open with her sometimes)
4. People don't like to read and comment on long posts.
5. Meeting fellow bloggers is not as scary as you might think.
6. Allow your loyal followers to deal with Trolls.
7. Anon is not your friend, but not your enemy.
8. The more blogs you read, the more ideas you get.
9. Be sure to thank your readers often, but don't go overboard.

OK, I'm out of ideas right now, probably because it's early, and I'm still not quite awake yet, but I'll post this anyway. Once again, thank you to all of my readers, those who subscribe, and those who just come back everyday, you are truly awesome!

Post-it Note Tuesday more thoughts from my head

2010-01-05T05:37:00.000-05:00

The Awesome that has been 2010

2010-01-04T05:52:00.001-05:00

So far 2010 has not disappointed. On the 1st I met Ginger Mady as well as Just A Girl. We visited the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum. We managed to check out the Nazi Propoganda exhibit which was very interesting. The entire museum was very moving, especially the pictures of the medical experiments that the Nazis performed. I must have a morbid curiousity. Afterwards, the three of us headed to Hooters for some much needed food. During the time, the topic of conversation was mostly about Just A Girl's Vagoo. After eating at Hooters, we went to CVS (actually two seperate CVS) to find some face masks and nail polish, because the girls were gonna be all girly and do their nails and faces. Afterwards, I finally headed home.

On the 2nd, things got even better. I managed yet again to meet up with Ginger Mandy and Just A Girl, who were out and about with two more of my favorite bloggers, Lilu and I hate so much. We went for burgers at Five Guys. I tried the Cajun Fries for the first time, not my favorite, but still pretty awesome. The topic of conversation tended to very from time to time, mostly we (and by we, I mean, I just listened while everyone else talked, because I'm such a fuckin' wallflower) talked about sex, penises, and boobs (well, that's all I really remember...I'm sure there is more I'm forgetting, quite possibly on purpose). Afterwards, the ladies decided to go out dancing, unfortunately for me I was underdressed, and had to go home. I know the ladies had a great time, or so they've said.

In summation, 2010, you've rocked so far. Let's keep up the good work!

*Edit: Here are some inappropriate things that happend*

I made an anal sex joke while we were at the Holocause Memorial Museum (this was in regards to someone following Ginger Mandy way too closely down the stairwell)

Just a Girl had "issues" while we were trying to find a place to eat. Thank god she saved that paper from the airport (I'm not going into detail about this one)

I may or may not have needed to pee sooo bad that I actually pissed in public while waiting for Ginger Mandy and Just a Girl to finish buying stuff at CVS. There are no witnesses to confirm this!

2009 in Review

2010-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

I don't really know when it was decided that my first post of the new year should be about last year, but I guess it will work. Anyway, 2009 was not so great a year for Griffin. Many bridges were burned, and I had two relatives pass away. Let me see if I can note a few good things to happen in 2009:

1. I didn't die
2. I managed to reconnect with a long lost friend
3. I still have a job
4. I started blogging once again (Thanks Kaydee for pushing...so very very very hard)
5. I actually managed to help make someones wish come true (well, sort of..)

That might not be as comprehensive a list as you were wishing for, but other than that not very much happend during the year. I am leaving out moving out of my parents house, since that just makes me look more like a loser (oh wait, like I really need help in that department).

So here's to 2010!

and 2009...Fuck off.

Stay safe everyone. And if you're nursing a hella hangover...might I suggest some Pedialyte. That shit works wonders! Seriously, I am totally not kidding. Replacing your electrolytes will cure a hangover faster than you can say "Waffle House"

TMI Thursday: Meeting OPM and OPM meets Big Balan

2009-12-31T00:46:00.000-05:00

Oh, hi there. I know I've been gone for the past few days, but I've been on vacation. I thought the best way to come back from a week off was to tell you a tale of when I met a band, and they met a friend of mine. As always, mad props go out to LiLu over at Live it, Love it for coming up with this lovely Meme :)

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

So, let's flash back to Monterey, California. Oh what beautiful scenery! As a 21 year old, I frequented many bars, and as most guys my age did, I hung out with a crew of gents. Now you need only know of one of these: his name "Balan".

We headed out one Saturday afternoon to what was then called "The Long Bar" off of Alverado in Monterey. The boys slammed a few pitchers of Bud, and things were going well. Then this band came on stage:

Yes, OPM was performing at "The Long Bar" and sadly, we were the only ones there to see them. So after a few songs the band took a break and came over to thank us for coming out. *If you'll allow me I'd like to go on a small tangent*

Balan was the sort of fellow to carry Adult Toys with him. He even bought one to go with his Brittany Spears costume the previous year. Now this toy, he had dubbed "Big Balan", and he brought it with him to the show, don't ask me why, but he did.

The lead singer comes over, chats with us for a bit, and then prepares to sit down for a few brews with us, that's when it happend. Big Balan is slammed on the table, covered in beer, and currently resting within inches of the lead singers hand. Quite an awkward situation (You'll understand in a second). So, needless to say, the lead singer left our table quickly, and headed for the refuge of the bar. I won't forget the look on his face...it was priceless. I suppose it is similiar to your faces when you see this:

photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Yup, that's the same face he made. :)

It's good to be back. Don't forget to check out Lilu's page for more TMI goodness

TMI Thursday: The V-card Vlog

2009-12-24T06:30:00.001-05:00

OK, you all know the rules by now if not allow me to copy-paste them from Lilu's blog:

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

So, since this is about me losing my V-card, and because I'm cool and shit (no not really) I decided I'd be clever and do a V-Card Vlog. Yeah, I'm probably never going to do this again (read: I'm Totally going to do this again). Sit back, relax and watch as I'm talking on the phone and trying to tell you (the viewer) my V-card story:

Also, have a Merry Christmas.

I'm sooo Excited

2009-12-23T05:54:00.000-05:00

One Week from today (that's in "ish" time) GingerMandy and Just A Girl will be coming to DC. Holy Schnikes!!! Yeah, I'm excited *does a little dance* (OW my phucking back). The only problem is what to do ~~when~~ if I actually get to see them. I grew up in Maryland, so I know all kinds of stuff to do here; however, they (GingerMandy and JAG) will be concentrating their time in the DC Metropolitan area. So, here are a few ideas that I've come up with to show them what life in Maryland is like:

1. Take them to CharmCity Cakes (Outside, no one is allowed in)
2. Get Mugged in the Inner Harbour (might be a problem since I'm all kinds of manly and shit)
3. Have some crabs and Nattie Boh (crabs are out of season so this one is not likely, plus I'm allergic...like whoah)
4. Go to 5 Guys (not really Marylandish, but damnit if I don't love me some 5 Guys)
...I kinda ran out of ideas so I consulted google, here are the results:

go ahead, click it...see what my keywords were for this search

Anyone have any ideas? I would appreciate the input. I know GingerMandy will probably read this, but JAG...not so much. So yes I'm asking for help.

Post-it Note Tuesday - Thoughts in mai Head

2009-12-22T06:20:00.002-05:00

I'm such a Meme Whore (is that even a phrase?)

because that shit hurts like whoah

mmmm cheese...*drools*

like you didn't know already?

Note to Self: Find Trolls

Snow, we're going to have a little talk later...

*Update*

I'm referring to this Snow:

NOT this Snow

He's just a douche...

Yeah, I may be lazy, and this might not be funny, but it's my first time, so be gentle. Pleez?

The Snowjob of 2009

2009-12-21T06:14:00.000-05:00

Holy Hell! This weekend I spent the majority of the time inside my house trying to stay warm. All the while, snow fell outside. Thankfully, I hit up the local seven eleven prior to the snow beginning Friday evening, otherwise I would have been going through serious withdrawal symptoms (Yes, I have a problem. No, I don't need help). I am referring to my lovely caffeine addiction (Lo Carb Monster FTMFW!).

This shit is my crack...

I managed to stock up for the entire weekend. I curled up with my Netflix DVDs (Season 1 of House) and settled in for the weekend. It would have been fine, except I had to visit my "Rents" to borrow a shovel on Sunday. Normally this wouldn't be an issuel; however, my car was completely buried in snow. The only tool I could use to dig myself out was my "Entrenching Tool".

You can't really do much with this POS

This didn't go over very well, but I did manage to get my truck out of the snow (I have a car and a truck). So off to the "Rents" house I go. Everything was going fine until I decided to help my Dad dig out the drive way at their house. That's when it happend, my body decides (against my wishes mind you) that instead of remaining upright it would like to be on the ground and send pulses of pain to my brain. Normally this isn't an issue, but when my lower back is screaming at me, I have a tendancy to listen.

So, in short I managed to wrench my back this weekend. Fuck you Snow! I did manage to get some shoveling done, which itself is a miracle, but pretty much everything makes my back hurt. I feel like a little kid right now, I'd ask someone to kiss my "boo-boo" and make it better, but the close proximity to my ass just makes it kind of gross.

In summation, FUCK YOU SNOW!

Because I'm lazy: A story of my time in the Hot Place

2009-12-18T06:45:00.001-05:00

So, I was thinking about the millions of things I could write about this morning, but I'm lazy, so I thought I'd share some of my old LJ stuff that I've kept. The following is one of my stories from my first tour in "The Hot Place" and takes place in that town most people have heard of.

This is REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG...you have been warned

I still feel a strong distrust for most of the Iraqis, mostly because of "Fallujah" when I had to deal with them on a daily basis. Actually now that I think of it I'm not sure how many of you actually know the story about Fallujah, or even what I did there.

It was June 2003, we had moved back to the Airport in preperation to move South to Kuwait. On the 2nd my commander comes up to our platoon to tell us we're moving west to a city we've never heard of "Fallujah". After the initial shock of "not-going-home" set in, we prepared ourselves to move out. The convoy to "Fallujah" was uneventful, although I'm sure my humvee wasn't happen that it was carrying a refridgerator on it, actually I know for a fact it wasn't happy. I broke a few things on it, when we hit a traffic jam. But that's not important. After getting onto our compound, we did some clean-up and then some assessment on where would be a good place to start ops.

After several days of running Ops my Platoon Sargeant, asked me if I'd like to move from the Hammer team, and work on something with more direct contact with the Iraqi's. I, of course, said yes. I had managed to be in country for about 3 months without so much as an utterance of arabic. I figured this would be a good oppotunity for me to test my skills.

A few days later I was on a JAG team (yes people, like the show i was working for the Judge Advocate) as he was trying to re-establish the court system in Iraq. I even managed to meet the local judge and several of the lawyers. I remember smoking with all of them in their cramped little office, while the Jag officers stared at me, thinking that I was plotting against them, but when I told them that it was expected, they simply smiled and continued talking about the re-establishment of the Judicial Branch in Iraq. After two weeks of this, my understanding of Iraqi was greater than I had thought previously, but then again, i was immersed in the language every day. My commander approached me again, asking if I would be willing to work with a Tactical HUMINT Team. I thought about it for a while...and I said yes.

I was attached to a National Gaurd THT from Utah as their linguist/interpreter. I can still remember meeting them for the first time. I don't know why but being the lowest ranking then seemed to bother me. Two e-5's an e-7 and then me. We started working in the streets, mostly just talking with people we could meet. I remember walking past the "Al-Jazeera" office almost every day. After a week we had our first raid. I still remember it. We had both NG THT's waiting for dark. We sat in our "trucks" waiting until 1 or 2 in the morning, and then we went in. I didn't go with the actually entry and clearing force, but i wasn't far behind either. My adrenaline was racing the entire time. I couldn't believe it, at any moment someone could have popped up and starting shooting, and I'm sure that I was ready at the time.

After about a week after the first raid, I was moved to another THT, this one ALL active. I worked for guys from my BN. I was one of two Linguists on the team, and our AO (area of Operations) was Northern Fallujah. We went out nearly every day. I still remember leaving the Fob, sitting in the turret of our gun-truck, wearing my Shimag, and pulling security for my team (one of the benefits of being a SAW gunner). For two months I worked nearly everyday inside fallujah, sometimes we'd go to the market, sometimes not. One day I can clearly remember was the day I earned my "first-name" privledge. The "First-Name" privledge was something you earned after being involved in a direct fire exchange. Everyone else on my team had called each other by their first-name, yet i was not allowed.

We were doing some recon on a possible raid that would take place the following evening. We had our security team with us (Scouts). And as we turned down one of the side streets, we heard shots being fired. We decided to continue mission, unfortunately, our avenue of approach to our recon area was blocked by a car, so we couldn't do our job. I can remember one of my teammates asking over the radio "Hey man, how about checking out that gun-fire". And the scout guys replying "Sure, sounds good". I really didn't care at the time, I just wanted to see what it was that was shooting....

And the scout guys replying "Sure, sounds good". I really didn't care at the time, I just wanted to see what it was that was shooting....

After a few quick turns and some daft manuevering on the part of our driver, another army specialist (like myself) we managed to find ourselves at the end of the street where the gun fire was coming from. That was when things started to slow down, like time itself had decided to stop working. What seemed like hours, was merely minutes. I remember staying in the turret pulling security on the truck, while two members of my team moved forward with the scouts to check out the situation. It wasn't until the Iraqi's saw us, that we began to take fire. I can still remember the sound of the round that missed me, but at the time I couldn't worry about it. There was a mob forming at the other end of the street coming towards me, so I moved my turret to face them, pointed my weapon in a threatening fasion, as if to say "Try it you Fuckers!! Just try it..." It worked for a while, until i had to move my truck forward to block off one end of the street, but then we had the scouts pulling rear security. It seemed like the shooting had lasted for hours, when in reality it was only 10-15 minutes.

Once all the shooting was over, we entered the house, clearing it as we went, and this time I was part of the entry team. I was there to yell at anyone we found, to get on the ground, put down their weapons and come outside. It wasn't complex, but my blood pumped, and my heart raced. Once the adrenaline wore off, we got down to questioning the people on what happend.

The Father of the house said that no one had been shooting, and he didn't know why the Americans were there. He had called the police earlier since someone had stabbed him at his front door. It was after he said no one was shooting, that I asked one of the scouts to bring me a cartridge they found on the roof, and I proceded to tear this guys story to shit. How could no one have been shooting, if i found expended rounds on the roof? The guys replied that someone must have left them there. Well, then why are they still warm (Side Note: If a round is shot off, the primer inside causes an explosion which ignites the powder inside forcing the projectile out, through this process the "jacket" of the round is heated to very high temperatures, it usually only takes about half an hour for the rounds to be cool). His response was someone else was on the roof shooting, someone was trying to frame him. I managed to lose it right about then. Knowing that I was being lied to, knowing all well, that my scouts had seen the man I was talking to shooting from the rooftop. It's one of the reasons I have a hard time trusting any Iraqi. Anyway, after about 2-3 hours of questioning it was getting dark, and we had to go back to the FOB. We were low on Ammo, and would have had a hard time dealing with another attack, if ever one came, so we called in for back-up and waited for it to arrive. At 9 o'clock at night, it finally showed up, and we rolled back into the FOB.

Here's another side note for those of you who don't know. During that mission, the THT consisted only of 3 people, and none were NCO's, yes we had NCO's as part of our scout team, but they took their orders from us, since we were in charge of the operation. It really difficult to explain to someone outside my field, but that was a very gratifying experience...

Fast forward to our next night mission...

We get a call at 1 in the morning that there had been an RPG attack at the mayor's cell. They had seen a white van which held the insurgent, but were unable to shoot. They saw the van pass again, thinking that another attack was coming, they shot first. And that was when we were called in. We arrived at about 2 o'clock, and there was this child, sitting with some infantry man, playing a game of cards. Now I didn't know why at the time, but I knew that it was odd. Then I saw the van, swiss cheese didn't have as many holes as this van did. I thought to myself, well...atleast they hit what they were shooting at, but then I started talking with the kid. He told me the tale of how he and his father were going to get ice to sell on the side of the road that day. You know, a nice "father-son" outing, that builds and fosters the relationship in the family. Well, I asked the kid where his father was, and he said that the "Doctors" we're taking care of him, since he'd been shot. I continued to chit-chat with the kid for a while, and then I saw the medic. His face was taught, and he signaled me to come over. I walked over, and he told me..."The guy's dead"...I didn't know what to say, instantly it hit me. What feelings, thoughts, emotions, everything, would go through my head if I found that someone had killed my father. I couldn't speak. It took everything I had not to break-down right there. This child, this 7 year-old boy, had woken up this morning, having a father, and now, he didn't. Well, since we had the only linguists available, we were order to go to the boy's house and tell his mother. She was shocked, and hysterical (and I don't mean funny). I could just feel all the emotions she was, it was one of those times I wished I wasn't empathic. Once we returned to the scene, the boy with us, I watched as the boy saw his father dragged out of a vehicle in a body bag, by his (the father's) brother's and friends. Most of whom were crying as they carried the body away. It was then that I knew, I'd never want to do this again, that no matter what I would not want to be "in-the-middle-of-the-fight". After that, I didn't stop working, I tried as hard as I could to keep myself busy, whether I was working on translating, driving for a mission, or stuffing my face with food, it didn't matter, as long as the kid's sobs were out of my mind. Sometimes, at night, when I'm drifting off to sleep I can still hear him crying for his father...and it drives me to tears...

The following weeks in fallujah consisted of raid after raid after raid. Most of which were successful, and I was surprised to see the amount of insurgency start to drop as we managed to eliminate cell after cell of rebellion, and former ba'athist. We managed to keep busy, always working, and always talking. It was fun, but also very challenging. And that is the short version of what happend in Fallujah....

I hope you enjoyed that little tale from my past. I'll be sure to bring some funny back on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone. And also, to all my DC Area Bloggers, stay warm this weekend, looks like we may get hit with a serious snowjob.

TMI Thursday: When my phone decides to become a Fish

2009-12-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Special thanks to LiLu over at Livitluvit.com, it's always great to read other humiliating stories :)

So, for those of you who don't know, I'm old. Not ancient, but old enough to attend a 10 year graduation reunion for my high school. I was excited to see some of my old friends, as well as see who had changed since graduation. So in all pretenciousness I decide to wear a suit, like you do when you go to a reunion and want people to know that you're doing well.

Before I could "Suit Up!" (Barney would have been sooo proud of me) I had to shower, now this is where the TMI starts to come in. Usually when I shower I take a leak before hand, flush then head into the shower. Somehow I missed that second step (this is an integral part of the story...just trust me for now). At the time I was texting back and forth with my, at the time, girlfriend keeping her apprised of what was going on. So, I set my phone on top of the commode (Ladies, you know how you always get upset when we leave the toilet seat up...I know your pain...sort of). I hop in the shower and begin to wash, covering all the important areas as well as the not so important areas. While I'm showering, I continue to receive and send texts to my girlfirend, no issues so far. By now the bathroom is filled with steam (since I like my showers to be hot), and there is condensation building up on the commode. I begin rinsing my hair, and that's when I hear it..."Sploosh". I think to myself, did a ghost just take a dump in my toilet? Then it dawns on me, oh FUCK! I hop out of the shower and see my phone, floating around in the bowl of the toilet, happy as a clam, in my piss. FML!

Now, I contemplated flushing it down, but since we use a septic system, that was not a viable option. Instead, I reached in, pulled it out, toweled it off, then procedded to wash my hands 50 billion times. I attempted to dry off the phone hoping it would work. I even tried the hair drier, but apparently my pee is great at short circuiting all sorts of electronics! So I grab the phone, and head out to get a new one, at the time I hoped that they might be able to transfer my contacts, but unfortunately this was a lost cause.

Moral of the story:
Put the GOD DAMN toilet seat down...

oh yeah...here's a pic just so you know I wasn't totally bullshitting about wearing a suit to the reunion

Obviously I'm the guy on the right...because I'm awesome

Dating Web Sites...at least the ones I've tried and who I've met

2009-12-16T07:30:00.001-05:00

Being that I am very much the recluse (ok...seriously, stop fuckin' laughing). Dating is somewhat difficult for me, so I use the powers of the interwebs to help me find dates. Here's a list of the sites I've previously used and what I liked/disliked about them.

Hot or Not (www.hotornot.com)
First, this initially wasn't a dating site, just a place where you could go and rate people's pictures, but then the developers started adding messaging, and things just went downhill from there.

When did you use this site? 2002

Did I meet anyone from this site? Yes

Who was she? Karen

So, was she...you know...hot? meh...not my usual type.

Do you still talk to her? No (burned that bridge earlier this year)

What didn't you like about this site? The lack of a good user interface, poor load times, html errors, scripting errors, I could go on for days. You never got a good idea of who the person was, since there was a limit on how much you could write. Not exactly nerd friendly.

Yahoo!

When did you use this site? 2004

Did you meet anyone from this site? Yes

Who was she? Jacie (aka the first Fiancee)

So was she... you know...hot? Hells to the mutha fuckin' yeah!

What happend? We were engaged for a year, then she broke off the engagement and all forms of communication a week before I came home from deployment.

What didn't you like about this site? The layout was generic, the profiles couldn't be customized to fit your personality, and it was Yahoo! need I say more?

Match.com

When did you use this site? 2006

Did you meet anyone from this site? Yes

Who was she? Liz (totally not her real name)

Was she...you know...hot? Definitely

What happend? We dated for a year, went on two trips to Oklahoma, traveled to a B&B for our 1 year anniversary, then after the New Year, things just came to a halt...

Who dumped whom? She dumped me...

What didn't you like about this site? There aren't many things that I can say I didn't like about Match, honestly the ability to respond to an e-mail sent by another user without having to log into Match directly was great. Although the site wouldn't tell you the last time a user utilized the system, which to me is a detriment. Who wants to try and meet/introduce themselves to someone who hasn't used the service in 4 months. I think, if a user has not logged-in in over a month, the account should get a tag saying "Hey, they've not logged in, they may have found someone." That would be nice.

PlentyofFish (www.plentyoffish.com)

When did you use this site? 2008-present

Did you meet anyone from this site? Yes

Who was she? Emily

Was she...you know...hot? Oh Mai Gawd Yes!

What happend? She and I dated for 6 months, at the time we first met, she had just gotten out of the mental institution (I'm not making this shit up...Seriously!) a month prior. She had some issues with being alone, which I would like to think I helped with. There were several times where she talked of suicide, and honestly, if I hadn't stayed to talk her out of it, she might have gone through with it. In the end, she became comfortable with herself alone, and no longer needed someone to be with her.

Who dumped whom? I think she did the dumping, but I don't really remember.

What don't you like about this site? I hate having to log into POF to check my messages, plus the inability to show interest in someone without having to send them a message first. Their "matching" algorithm sucks. I mean, other than using the Advanced Search, you're really not likely to find someone with similar interests unless you're really really lucky, or unless she finds you. Oh, and the service is free which means that there are a ton of ads.

eHarmony (www.eharmony.com)

When did you use this site? 2009-present

Did you meet any one from this site? Not yet (this may change this weekend)

What don't you like about this site? I don't like the interface (tabs can go to hell and die for all I care). Plus they are constantly asking you to extend your membership. Why the hell would I do that when I just signed up for a year to start with. They do offer phone support as well as developing your profile to get better hits, but this is just shenanigans. I don't like having to log into the website to read my messages, it's really crap. I do like that I have to respond to questions posed by the other party, great way to start a conversation.

And finally...

OkCupid (www.okcupid.com)

When did you use this site? 2009-present

Did you meet anyone on this site? Not yet

What don't you like about this site? While the quizzes are great and in the interface looks good, the amount of users you can be matched with is small. It is a free site, so there are numerous ads, which you can get rid of for a small fee. Honestly though I haven't used this site long enough to make a complete opinion.

Question for my readers:
Have you ever used a dating site?
Which one was it?
Would you recommend it to a friend?

Confessional (not for the faint of heart)

2009-12-15T06:51:00.001-05:00

I wasn't sure what to write about today, since I wrote two blogs yesterday. I figured I'd take today to elaborate about the man who is me, and why I am not normal...

I'm not holding back here, this really isn't for those who are easily offended:

The grossness:
I've watched 2 Girls 1 Cup, without throwing up (just kind of got a quizzical look on my face while watching it)
I've seen Goatse. (that's pretty much everywhere now)
I used to check out Rotten.com on a regular basis when I was in college.
I have seen a snuff film.
I've watched a stoning.
I've seen a German Schiezer film.
I used to troll /b/ and still have friends who do.
The sight of blood does not make me queasy.
I have tasted my own blood several times
I've watched gay porn (just to be sure I wasn't gay...nope it didn't turn me on, because I'm thorough and shit)
I had sex before I ever got my first bj
I lost my V-card at 18
I have been in more vehicle accidents than anyone I know. (last count was 7)
I've slept around...a lot...yeah...it's a number I'm not proud of, but last time I thought about it the count was pretty high.
I've been in a Devil's Three-way (two dudes)...Twice.
I've seen several dead bodies.
I used to have a death-wish..
I have dated a stripper (or two)
I have been engaged...Twice.
My longest relationship ever was 13 months.
I may or may not have PTSD.

The awesome:
I've been able to ride a motorcycle since I was 15
I speak a language that most people wouldn't dream of learning
I have been to the cradle of civilization (that place was awesome)
I lived in Europe while I was a kid.
I saw more of the world by the time I was 5 than the average American sees in their lifetime.
Last Saturday...nuff said right there

I guess I'll stop there, sorry for the random post folks, I totally understand if I've alienated most of you.

Griffin

Facebook Friends vs. Friends on Facebook

2009-12-14T08:05:00.000-05:00

Confused? You should be :) This post stemmed from a conversation I had with M (see Dating is Just like a Netflix subscription) a few weeks ago. We were discussing her former beaux's interest when he returns to the states from Afghanistan. Since she and I were in mixed company (read: around people we didn't know) we decided to use the term "Facebook Friend" instead of using the term "F*ck Buddy" (see what I did there?) And this has caught on like wild fire...well not really, but it's all we use now, instead of the actual term.

Recently, M and I confirmed our friendship on Facebook. We're "Friends on Facebook", NOT "facebook friends". Yes, I know it's a simantic argument; however, it's extremely important to say it properly around me, since now I think whenever someone says "Oh that's one of my Facebook Friends" I immediately think "That's a chick I'm totally nailing without consiquence".

Do you guys have any "secret" terms you like to use?

Griffin

P.S. anyone want to be my Facebook Friend?

The Tremendous Fail that is my dating life...

2009-12-14T07:11:00.000-05:00

Allow me to regale you with a story of my date Friday. It is a tale of Epic Fail in the ways of dating dos and don'ts.

I had been speaking with a lady, over the internet, whom I met through a previously mentioned dating site. We had previously planned to go out Friday night to finally meet in real life. Let me state for the record, I was interested; however, this is no longer the case. We had planned to meet at TGI Fridays for drinks and conversation. Little did I know at the time, that TGI Fridays is the place to be on a Friday night at 11 o'clock, WTF? Initially we were scheduled to meet at around 9 o'clock, but this was pushed back because she wouldn't be flying in until later in the evening. I guess I forgot to mention she is a flight attendant.

During the week she and I had exchanged text messages as well as phone calls. All the while, I was enamoured with her humor as well as her sweet personality. She even tried to cheer me up when I was feeling blue. To say the least, I was going to give it my best shot hopefully to strike up a new relationship, but that wasn't in the cards.

We finally meet at TGI Fridays at 11, she's already gotten a table for us (or at least requested a table, since TGI Fridays was hopping). We are seated and that's when the convo starts. Initially, it's lighthearted and friendly, but doesn't stay that way for long as she asks why I no longer keep in touch with my ex girlfriends (I consider this out of bounds, especially for a first date). Things only get worse from their, she spends more time flirting with the waiter, as I struggle to keep the conversation going. Feigning interest about her job, her life, and the reason she quit smoking. Four beer and two diet cokes later, the evening comes to an end, I go outside for a smoke, while she visits the ladies room. She comes outside, says "Well, it was nice to meet you." and goes about her way.

Ok here's a break down of the do's and don'ts according to me:
Do:
Be interested in the conversation
ask questions that keep the conversation going

Don't
ask about a persons relationship history
gripe about how bad the service is when the restaurant is busy
flirt with the server more than your date (this is just bad...)

So yeah, that's how my date Friday went. It might have hurt me that I didn't pick up the tab, as I was reaching for my wallet when the check came, she was faster to the draw than I was. At that point I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

I really should stop dating,

Griffin

The Best Night Evar

2009-12-13T03:39:00.000-05:00

I should probably preface this by saying...I did not get laid, and the company I traveled with was not a female.

It all started with picking up my buddy, Rick (not his real name). He's been having a rough time with life lately, so I figured I'd take him out on the town. We started the evening by heading to downtown Annapolis, and grabbing some sushi. I tried Kobe beef for the first time, which is awesome btw, if you ever get the chance, do not skip the Kobe! The service was prompt, the atmosphere was excellent, and the food was delicious.

After filling out bellies with raw/semi-raw meat and rice. We headed to the theater to see Ninja Assassin, great movie, loads of action, great slow motion sequences. We thought about what to do next. Two words popped immediately into my head, strip club.

So after switching cars, so I could drive, we head to a local strip club (which I'm not going to name here), here's where the night gets really interesting.

After being introduced to many of the dancers, one catches my eye...only because she looks like this (but with black hair):

And that's when things went from Awesome to EPIC. Why you might ask, because upon seeing me and Rick, she comes over to us and asks us but one question. "Are you guys Star Wars Fans?" Seriously I about died after I heard this, because here is this gorgeous lady, asking me if I like Star Wars..."OF COURSE", so she goes on to tell us, that if we agree to get a few lap dances, she'll wear one of her favorite shirts. We agree, because Rick needs to have a good night, and I'm not broke.

Her shirt had the above graphic on it. I really was going out of my mind by now, so we head back to the back for the dances. Next thing I know, we're talking about her next comp (totally went white and nerdy with this one) and also about Sci Fi books (Ender's Game was a hot topic), as well as Star Wars, Gizmodo, and Mashable. I was to say the least, in heaven. I'll spare the details of the rest (since this isn't TMI Thursday). The evening was remarkable, no numbers exchanged, no delusions of her calling, no expectations, just great conversation with a really really really hot woman, who is actually Nerd.

Thanks Rick it was a great night,

Griffin

Yes I was in a band...

2009-12-11T06:30:00.000-05:00

OK, so I'm totally cheating today, and posting a video. Only, since the topic I was going to cover today is taking too long for me to flesh out. Anywhoozles, I was once in a band named "The Gryphons" we played out a few times, had a really really really really tiny following, and just recently broke up (our lead singer moved to Arizona). So this is a small glimpse into my past Rawker dayz. I hope you enjoy.

The First video is one of the songs we wrote entirely together as a band, well our bassist came up with the riff and we moved on from there. This is the only recording of the song that we have, which is really sad. I think the song is awesome. (See if you can guess which one is me :)

Griffin

If Rock isn't your style and you prefer the warmth of an acoustic guitar, then may I suggest this:

Before I joined a band I used to play out at Open Mics, and even had some mild success when I was in Cali (Mild being that I had a recurring gig every week). This is one of my original songs.

TMI Thursday: Boxes Break...when you don't want them to

2009-12-10T06:38:00.001-05:00

WARNING: The following blog post contains material not suitable for small children, persons with heart conditions, women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant (wait...Kaydee...you can read this). For people with sensitivities to stories of Poo, please move along. Trolls will be persecuted with extreme pleasure (mine not yours).

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Special thanks to Lilu over at Live it, LOVE it for coming up with TMIT, these stories would be uncategorized with out it.

That's right, it's TMI Thursday, and today as I promised Travis earlier this week is a story of poo. There's a few things that I must tell you prior to getting to the main story. First, I was in the military for eight and a half years. Second, I went to the "Hot Place" in Feb of 2003 and again in Jan 2005. This story is about my first foray into the Hot Place.

It was March of 2003, I was driving through the deserted fields of Iraq with 20,000 of my closest family members (because that's how we rolled). We had just entered the town of As Samawah, when we started taking heavy mortar fire, and we turned around, booked out of the city and found an alternate route (since we couldn't slow down to engage the NME) As we drove around the town, I felt The Urge, you know what I'm talking about. So as the convoy stops, I go to the back of our truck and start looking for an empty MRE box. (Pictured Below)

I find one, cut a hole in the center, in preperation for what was to come. Unfortunately for me, the convoy prepares to move. So I hop back in the drivers seat, and drive onward, all the while feeling the righteousness building in my bowels. After 15 minutes, we lose half the convoy behind us due to locals in traffic, so we stop.

Finally, the time has come to unleash my great fury upon the Earth. I grab my jerry-rigged commode, and stomp off into the desert. A mere 20 meters away from my truck.

It's a gorgeous day, the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky, no trees just sand, a whole lot of sand. I had to overcome my fear of pooping in front of people. It took all of thirty seconds. I drop my commode into the sand, place my baby whipes to the side along with my TP and prepare to go. Little did I know, everyone in the convoy had their eyes on me. I drop my pant and rest upon the MRE box, and I wait...nothing happens...so I wait some more. Still nothing, then a few of my buddies come over, bringing a Maxim and a presentation board to give me some privacy, but the board breaks and is of little use.

I feel my innards starting to unclench, and the beginngs of what would surely be the worlds best poo EVAR! Then, the other half of our convoy shows up. The entire Battalion has their eyes fixed squarely on my back (This is sadly the most protected I've ever felt in my life).

As if on cue, my platoon Sergeant says "[name redacted], it's time to go the convoy is here!", and the box breaks. The entire Battalion begins laughing hysterically, while I grab a baby wipe and check to make sure that I hadn't inadvertently fallen into my own feces. (Everything was good to go) I stand up, and that's when it happens...I mooned the entire convoy, because I had to bend over to pick up my pants, and sure enough everyone got a good look at my pearly white cheeks, and there might have been a bulldog in there as well.

I found out later that my Platoon Sergeant had recorded the entire thing, I still need to find if he has that video...

Griffin

P.S. I did eventually get to poo, but it was during a sand storm, and it was indeed the BEST POO EVAR!!!!

Burning Bridges

2009-12-09T07:30:00.005-05:00

(I've posted this previously on another blog of mine, but think it was appropriate enough for my blog here)

So, lately I've been thinking about the past year and all that has happened personally. Mostly, I've been thinking of the relationships that have gone the way of the Do-do (I have no idea how the hell to spell that). What got me on this train into the abyss? Well, a few weeks ago I went to see an old friend in VA, and I realized why I don't talk to these people anymore, we don't travel in the same social circles, and I think it's about time to let this one go, but before I go on a tangent about tonight, I'll go ahead and fill-in the back story about the other bridges that have been burned.
I have kept in touch with ~~most~~ none of my ex's, for sanity's sake. One of whom I communicated with on a regular basis. So when she tells me she'll be in town, I offer to help her out with finding a few things, and everything goes great. But what she didn't tell me was she was bringing a friend (not a dude, but another girl) This "other" girl is really attractive, so I'm somewhat flirty, but not overly so. Well, they leave and head back down to GA, and we keep in touch. And then I start spamming (not really) her "friend's" fb page, while her friend is spamming mine. This all comes to a head when she asks me point-blank if I'm interested in her friend, to which I reply honestly, yes. So there's a huge argument, and I'm sure I'm being onesided, but hey this is my fuckin' blog. Anyway, it ends with words to the effect of "I don't ever want to speak to you again" to which I reply "ok", that's one bridge burned...now for number two.
An old friend from back in middle-school, who I had a crush on in High school, invites me to several gatherings, none of which I could attend, but in response I invite her AND HER HUSBAND out to several of my gigs. She invites me to her husbands birthday party, to which I say I'll go, but the day of decide not to, feigning illness (at least saying I'm not feeling well) So I get a text later that evening from her saying "I don't want to be your friend anymore" and this leads to several angry texts sent back and forth finally culminating in a "I'm done..." text from me to her. So I've thrown away over 10 years of friendship, without batting an eyelash.
Now, I've recently (as of last week) had to set a fire to yet another bridge, because well, honestly people are stupid and take my stories out of context. I'm not exactly sad to see that relationship go. If next year is this ~~awesome~~ shitty, I might just an-hero on NYE.

Gawd, I hate people...
not you my beloved stalkers (err...I mean readers)

Griffin

PS I'll be bringing the funny back tomorrow I promise, things have been...well...complicated lately.

Emo blog is Emo

2009-12-08T07:30:00.000-05:00

So today I find myself thinking of Charlie. Who is Charlie you ask? Charlie was my childhood best friend, we spent many a summer together, playing pool, smoking cigarettes (although we were both 18 at the time), and avoiding trouble at all costs. Most nights would end with Charlie and myself in a debate over the future of our lives; however, in the summer of 2004 Charlie's life was cut short, or more succinctly, he took his own life. As I look back at our times together one conversation plays out in my head over and over again.

It was the summer of 1998, I was working two jobs prior to going off to Towson University to obtain my degree in Computer Science, just as Charlie was to head off to College Park for his degree. We were reminiscing about our years in high school, and what things would be like at the 10 and 20 year reunion. What Charlie said struck me as profound.

"We'll all be successful failures" he told me.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"I mean no one, not one of us, from our graduating class will go off to change the world. We pledge to do these great things, but in the end we will fall short. Of course we'll get married and have 2.5 kids, a dog, a house with a white picket fence, but in the end we'll be just like our parents...successful failures."

It's this conversation that has been running through my head today, as I think back on Charlie's life and the impact he had on all my friends. Try as I might...I too am a successful failure, for I have changed nothing...

rest in peace Charlie,

You are missed

WTF is with the blog title?

2009-12-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, since this is my first week back into that which is the blogosphere, I'll take a moment and explain (and by moment I mean I'm gonna fill up a few pages of your RSS feed with this shit) Everyone by now should be familiar with the term WYSIWYG (What you see is what you get). Now usually this applies to design applications, html builders, etc, unfortunately it doesn't apply to people. Yes, we're all very complex creatures full of poo, tissue, muscle, fat, gas, pee, etc (I could go on for days). What is at the heart of the matter is our minds, our pasts, our emotional baggage, those things you cannot readily see on a person. That's why I've titled my blog this way, you will understand more and more as I post, which hopefully, with the pressing of my readers, I will continue to do.

Griffin

How Dating is like a Netflix Subscription

2009-12-05T07:30:00.001-05:00

This happend on Thursday, after a discussion with a coworker about her dating life (I'll refer to her as M).
Here is what I remember of the conversation:
M-So, I'm torn between two guys, and it's really complicated
me-What's so complicated?
M-Well, I've been talking so much with Guy A lately, and he's coming back soon..
me- What about Guy B
M- He's not Guy A, and when Guy A left we kind of put the relationship on pause while he was gone
me- You mean like a DVD and shit?
M- Yeah sort of...
me- Wait...didn't you date Guy C for a few months while Guy A was gone? That's like taking the DVD out of the player, inserting a new one watching it for fifteen minutes, only to realize instead of an awesome action packed thriller, you've got Veggie Tales (I've got nothing against Veggie Tales). So now, you've got your Queue backed up, and your still holding on to that one DVD (Guy A) waiting to watch the rest of the movie to see if you want to buy it (Read: Marriage) but the whole time you're holding on to that DVD you continue to get other's coming in the mail. So as you're browsing your selections you're not sure if you really want to hold on and watch the rest of the DVD, or if you want to send it back and get a new one you've not seen yet.
M - Well, it's just that Guy A is...
me- it's just like a gawd damn Netflix subscription

Yeah, sometimes I surprise myself

Griffin

Yeah, I don't really wonder why I'm single....but it sux

2009-12-04T06:17:00.000-05:00

It's frackin' Friday, and I figure it best to dive into my personal life. As I've stated before I'm single, and since I don't go to bars (Lilu...it's ok I persevere, trust me there's a reason for this) I have to try and find dates on the interwebz, so for the sake of not having any better topics, I thought I would share what I believe may be my masterpiece when it comes to dating profiles: (this is posted on POF)

Quick summary before you read my attempt at humor below:
1. Ladies, I'm not an Adonis, so if that's what you're looking for...move on please
2. I do go to the gym regularly
3. I live on my own.
4. Eyes and Smiles are all it takes.
5. Humor is a must

OK, are you actually reading this? well color me surprised

edits are marked in italics
Please be aware, this is my attempt at making you laugh, sometimes it works, other times it fails miserably

During the week I tend to spend a majority of my time at work, which tends to take away from my social life, although once a week I gather with my band mates for practice. We play mostly Rock/90's Alternative with some originals thrown in for color, but I'll spare you the details for now.Yeah, uh we just broke up last week, so I'm sort of not quite in a band anymore, but I still play guitar like it's going out of style.

Wow, you're still reading this...AWESOME!
I'm impressed you've made it this far

These days I tend to be more of a home body than a party animal. This should tell you that I'm probably very boring I would be quite content with a good book, a good movie, or a decent video game for a night. By book I mean some sci-fi novel This is not to say I don't enjoy going out, in fact I do enjoy adventures to unknown spots, and I always enjoy exploring new places. Live shows always get me out the door

I've lived many places in my short time here, most notably:
Monterey, CA
Savannah, GA
Garmisch, Germany
Texas
South Carolina

Places I've Visited:
Ireland
Italy
Austria

Still there???
impressive...most impressive

I've visited most of the states in the US, with the exception of the mid-west and North West.

Man...that guy sounds really boring and somewhat hum-drum, and that's me talking about myself. Yeah, I'm not so good at bragging about myself, call it a character flaw I guess. OK, so I spend a good deal of my time trolling the internet/reading blogs/reading news, so a lot of my humor is derived from that, as well as from watching a good deal of British television (Spaced, Little Britain, and Big Train). I'd like to say that I'm up for just about anything (within reason), but I'd probably be lying. I don't imagine jumping into a pit of poisonous snakes as my idea of a good time, and for that matter discussing politics is not my idea of a good first date (maybe a good way to end a date quickly if it's not going well)

I love food, and food has the courtesy to love me back, but there are some foods that I just can't stand like crabs (it's not really that I can't stand crabs it's that I can't eat them, so I've fully developed my loathing of them)

I'm not an avid gamer (I call bull$hit)...Really (Seriously???)...I only have 6 or 7 games *cough* per system *cough* at a time, and I really don't play that often *cough* everyday *cough*, so yeah, I'm not really an avid gamer.

I'm sarcastic, (NOOO WAYYYYYY I couldn't tell ) which you would probably discover within the first five minutes of meeting me,(usually it's within the first thirty seconds, but I'm a bit out of practice) it can be off putting at times,(most times) but it can also be hilarious (I'll let you judge for yourself)

I've got scars (I heard "chicks dig scars") so when I was a kid I made it my mission to have as many as I possibly could, but then I realized that I would have to get hurt in order to have scars, so I've only got two, both the result of my loving brother. (Seriously, my @55hole brother is responsible for all my scars, but I love him anyway)

Ah yes, my family...I'm the youngest of two. And that's about it.
(I won't say too much about them here, because I have soo many stories that I can tell, and they also dig their privacy.)
My past...is a door best left unopened,(Probably because of all the dirty clothes lying on the floor in the closet, seriously I think the thing is going to burst,) until such a time as I feel comfortable enough to reveal bits and pieces. Skeletons?? In my closet??? What closet??

And also...I like cheese
(No Really...I'm not kidding, I totally go head over heals for cheese. It's a bit ridiculous at times)

OH yeah...btw if you're a non-smoker/reformed smoker/like your lungs...I'd just keep on clicking. (I've been a smoker for far too long)
(This is really my only requirement, if you don't mind me smoking, then that's cool by me, but seriously I'm a smoker)

I know my profile says I don't drink (which I don't), but I don't mind if others do...Seriously if you like a beer or a glass of wine, that's cool with me :)
(There's a reason I don't drink, and if you're interested to know, I'll be sure to bore you with the story, I'll give you a hint, drinking causes an allergic reaction)

And also, I'm a sucker for red-heads (must be the Irish in me)
(Yeah, very much a sucker for red-heads/Gingers)

ok so you've made it this far...now what?
(You have Persevered! You are absolutely awesome in my book!)

Yeah, what is interesting is that I got more responses when I added my "inner monolouge" not by much, but it was noticeable. Now I would love it if some Average girl replied to my post; however, this is almost never the case (with three exceptions, none of them I will name publicly). I'm pretty sure I'm doomed...FML

Griffin

TMI Thursday: Where's my inhaler?

2009-12-03T05:47:00.003-05:00

Having read the humorous and somewhat scary tales of Lilu over at Livit, Luvit, I figured I'd delve into this area as well.

As most of my tales begin, it all started with a little friend of mine called "beer". After putting back a considerable number of drinks, I went about looking for a companion to keep me warm that evening. Some of you may be familiar with the term "harpooning" or "Whaling" or "Hogging" all these applied, with the exception that I wasn't getting paid to sleep with the fattest girl at the club, I was just horny, and at that age, I had no standards (wait...that implies I have standards now).

So, I meet a lovely lady, who was most definitely plus sized (and by plus sized I mean XXXXXXXXXXL) and the evening goes along swimmingly. As the bar closes, we decide to head back to her place for a night cap. I was excited, a little drunk, and extremely randy. Next the clothes come off, and the foreplay starts (I'll spare the details for now). Next thing I know she's on top grinding away, and I'm starting to become more and more sober. That's when it hits me. OH...MAI...GAWD! Why the hell am I doing the nasty with this girl, she out weighs me by a good thirty to forty pounds.

What happens next I am not exactly proud of but it got me out of there quickly. I fake an asthma attack. She asked what was wrong and I told her I needed my inhaler, then I remembered that I left my inhaler at my room, so I would have to go home. She let me leave, giving me her number as I headed out the door. As I drove away, I thought to myself, "Dude, let's never EVER EVER do that again".

Did I drive home? No, instead I went to a buddy's place to drink myself retarded and tried to forget the incident ever happend, but on the ride over I realized that I still had the condom on and out the window it went.

Oh it gets better, the following weekend I went back to the same bar/club/watering hole and to my surprise guess who approaches me, that's right she was there and she remembered me. She waddles up to me, saying "Hi, do you remember me?"

To which I reply, (shamefully I might add)
"No, did I meet you last weekend, because I was pretty much hammered from Friday night on and can't remember a thing."

Yes...I blamed the beer.

Griffin

For More TMI Thursday goodness Check out Lilu's Blog

Sarcasm

2009-12-02T07:30:00.018-05:00

It's my bread and butter. Seriously, I can't go a day without making a sarcastic comment. I'm sure somewhere out there my perfect woman is waiting for me, but that's another story. I get my sarcasm from both my parents, so I'm genetically predispositioned to be sarcastic. It's a curse and a gift, since I'm great in small groups; however, in larger crowds the humor gets lost.

It's a curse, I get it, but you know what? It's a cross I'd gladly bear for a few laughs and smiles.

Griffin.

Who the hell is this guy?

2009-12-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

For starters, my name as far as you're concerned is Griffin. For all intents and purposes I'll be using my pseudonym for this blog. Here's just a little about the real me, which isn't as cleverly disguised as you are led to believe.

I'm 29 going on 30
I am a gamer
I tweet like it is going out of style (which it might soon)
I love social media and read Mashable religiously

With that being said, I am not new to "blogging". A few years ago, I shared an account with several colleagues of mine as we ventured into the unknown for a second time. If you're interested in this History I'll add a link at the bottom. My other forays into blogging have included a three year stint with LiveJournal, but I deleted that account after losing interest.

What do I write about? Mostly I write about my life, specifically my lack of a life. As you can see from the brief list above, none of them require actual social interaction. Yes, I am a bit of a hermit.

Let's hope I actually post again,

Griffin

Team Crusader
My Twitter

Put your gamertag here too.