13 January 2010

Things I've learned at the Strip Club

Thanks mostly in part to Ginger Mandy and Travis, I've decided to blog about strippers, one of the few subjects that I know a good deal of information about.  I will warn you now, this might get a bit graphic, but I'll try to keep it PG-13 for the sake of my new reader :) (Welcome Brittney).

this is such bullshit...who doesn't want a pole dance while they're going to work???

Ok, now lets start with Stripper etiquette (For the Men):
1. If a lady asks if you want a lap dance, and you're not interested, don't waste her time, just say no
2. If you get a lap dance, and it was a good one, tip (seriously, this is not even optional if it's Eve)
3. Talk to the stripper like she's an actual person (because she is)
4. If she does something special just for you like wearing a Star Wars T-Shirt, TIP!
5. If you're sitting at the stage, you HAVE to TIP!!!! (This is not optional)
6. Remember that these ladies talk to each other...so be good to all of them.
7. If you're drunk, prepare to walk home with an empty wallet.
8. Unless it's a Brothel, you're not going home with a stripper.

Ok, now for the ladies, let's break it down.  How do you make money at the strip club?  Oddly enough I actually know the answer for this one.  First, whenever you dance, you have to pay the house  (This is how the Club generates its revenue).  Usually this amount can vary; however, I have seen it go as high as $150 per night of dancing.  With that in mind, what is the best way to over come this deficit and make some serious cash?

1. Work the Johns, walk around, talk, be interested in what the Johns have to say (Even if you don't care)
2. Lap dances are a sure fire way to cover your house costs. (If the average lap dance is 30-50 dollars)
3. Make eye contact.  Some guys are all about the T & A, some are about Legs, and then there's me...a phuckin' Eye Guy.
4. Appear single (Even if you are not), this is a general rule of thumb for Clubs, no boyfriends allowed at the Club.
5.  Easy marks (read Drunk Men) = Easy money.  If you see a guy who keeps throwing out twenties, good chance he's flush with cash, and you could probably get one or two lap dances out of him.

Speaking of lap dances, from what I've witnessed/experienced in the past, there are generally 3 types of lap dances:
1. The grind - where the lady rubs against your man bits for the entirety of the song, forcing you to either a) get another lap dance in hopes of "rubbin' one out" or b) walk around awkwardly.
2. The show - where she doesn't touch you that much, but shows all her goods.  This lack of contact may turn off some Johns, but it also might stimulate some Johns into buying another dance in hopes of getting a grind or two.
3. The nuzzle - where she lies against you, and moving slowly, seductively, and breathes on your neck and in your ear.  This is  the most, erotic of all three (in my opinion), since it closely simulates forplay.

Every guy is different, so don't be afraid to try all three.

Now, about a word or two on pole dancing.  The way you move has a great effect on how much you will receive in tips.  Work the pole, use it as often as you can, spin, slide, whatever it takes, do something to captivate the Johns attention (though most will be staring at you anyway).  There are usually three parts to any good pole dance:

Part I: The entrance (depends on whether there is a stage or not), walk out with confidence.  Own the stage.  Take not of any Johns sitting near or at the stage (These are your Easy Marks).  Be sure to make eye contact with them and smile (not the vicious smile, but the friendly "Oh Hai" smile).

Part II: The dance/The Strip.  This one varies, but usually doesn't involve much of the pole.  Commonly this entails, crawling/writhing/kneeling.  As this happens, clothes tend to make their way towards the floor. (This will take lots of practice...although I know many ladies are good at this, be sure you can do it smoothly)

Part III: The Pole.  Depending on the club you're in, they may or may not have a pole for you to use.  I would recommend before dancing that you spend sometime working with the pole before you dance for Johns.  Working the pole requires serious core strength. I have seen girls who will hold themselves on the pole for thirty seconds (upside down) using only their legs.  Whatever you do, be sure not to move too quickly, since most men will be intoxicated, they won't be able to follow you with their eyes.  Above all else, enjoy it, these men are actually paying to see you dance.

If you want more tips on pole dancing might I suggest going here


  1. Are you Italian?
    Is your pic a fake? I totally think you're my Hubs cousin in which case you STILL owe me money...NOT for dancing you bum...

    I've learned a thing or two at Da Club...What You See is NOT what you get...justsayin

  2. tip for the men: don't stand right next to the stage with your mouth wide open wiggling your tongue out at the girl on stage... unless you plan on forking over a lot of cash. then it's acceptable. otherwise it's repulsive and nauseating.

    good post though, i'll keep all this in mind :p

  3. Well, I've learned some things, and I thank you for taking the time to educate me.

    I've been to two strip clubs in my time. They can keep both of em.

    That's real.

  4. You forgot this one for the guys:

    Wear. Glasses.

    Even if they're fake.

    My glasses have been swiped across more vaginas then I care to admit.

    Explains why I keep getting eye infections but, HEY!..vagina on my glasses!

  5. I've been to a couple strip clubs in my life... all of them were on Bourbon Street.

    I am sure the strippers there could have taken a lesson or two from you.

  6. Daffy - Yes, that is me in the picture, but it's from 11 years ago.

    The Ginger - Good point. Fellas! No tongue waggin' at the stage

    Travis - I will take you on as my Padawan...you have much to learn.

    Moooooog35 - I don't know about you, but I'd prefer for my glasses not to be covered in snail trail. Considering You could possibly get pink-eye from that.

    Jeney - I've been to several, throughout the states, the good, the bad, the classy, the skanky. After all those experiences, this is all I have to offer, regarding stripping :(

  7. Oh hey, stumbled on your blog. "Snail Trail" I will never look at my vagina again.